From the Department of More Accurate Than It Should Be

WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody’s time. …

“We’ve basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards,” [Education Secretary Arne] Duncan continued. “Not to mention 18 years of my life.”

The study, which analyzed the effectiveness of both public and private schools, found that efforts to enlighten these terrors on the subjects of math, history, grammar, and science are as productive as slamming your head into a goddamn brick wall.

— This is gold. GOLD.

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