Bill Simmons will mention the Celtics 1,404 times during Friday’s Miami-Golden State game

Bill Simmons is bringing his intolerable voice to the broadcasting table during Friday’s Heat-Warriors game. Simmons, as you well know, has written a great deal of things about the Heat this season, most of which stem from A) His inherent desire to show why Boston is a better team (and why it was SO much more honorable when three superstars teamed up in Boston three years ago than when three joined together in Miami this past summer) and B) His overarching desire to posit a comprehensive Theory of Everything regarding the Heat, because he is a big basketball guy and also because he knows if he changes his tune 15 times this season (and he has), nobody will care, because everybody has.

Mostly, I am going to mute this game because I find Simmons’s voice to be downright excruciating. I tried listening to his podcasts, I really did. I tried watching when he joined up for “PTI.” Putting aside my professed exhaustion with his repetitive, wildly self-aggrandizing persona, I actually find him to be ill-suited as a broadcaster for one main reason: His voice feels like aural waterboarding. How can somebody be a broadcaster with such a horrible voice? Well, since he’s well-established as the big dog at ESPN.com, he got to do a podcast, and since he has so many devoted fans, people keep downloading it and somehow not jabbing their ears with soldering irons. It’s impressive, the way he’s circumvented a basic requirement for what he clearly wants to do (be more of an on-camera presence), but I can be impressed without subjecting my ears to the equivalent of a dozen prostate exams back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back.

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