Important “Prometheus” News

BREAKING: Sources (otherwise known as Collider) have confirmed that “Prometheus,” an upcoming sci-fi film possibly about bloodthirsty aliens and monsters, will be rated R. Repeat: It will have an R-rating.

This news is shocking because the movie is directed by Ridley Scott, director of the R-rated “Body of Lies,” “American Gangster,” “Kingdom of Heaven,” “Black Hawk Down,” “Hannibal,” “Gladiator,” “G.I. Jane,” “Thelma and Louise,” “Black Rain,” “Someone To Watch Over Me,” “Blade Runner” and “Alien.” Scott has directed 18 feature films before “Prometheus,” and since 12 of those 18 films were rated R, I really cannot fathom how we could have foreseen this development.

The fact that “Prometheus” is a quasi-prequel to “Alien” — and the fact that all four “Alien” movies were rated R — makes this news all the more disturbing and inexplicable. We will bring you more information as it becomes available (just kidding, there’s no more information, it’s apparently rated R, who cares?) (I mean, you probably care if you are the studio on the hook for a $150 million-dollar summer movie with an R-rating, or you care if you are a teenager, or maybe you care if you are a longtime fan of the series and you were concerned that the studio would take away all of the gore and violence in an effort to achieve a PG-13 rating and thus open the movie up to the widest possible audience. But otherwise, you probably don’t care).