Guys, I know we’re all super-concerned about the situation involving Israel and Iran. What will happen? Will the Israelis (and, perhaps, the United States) turn to military action to prevent Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon? Will Iran continue in its quest for a nuclear weapon, or will the country stand down in the face of sanctions and the possibility of war?
Well, don’t worry, because director Peter Berg is on it. He’s thinking about the same issues, and he’s tackling them with the precise level of careful consideration that you would expect from the man who directed the movie “Battleship,” based on the board game Battleship. Here is an actual series of words that came out of Berg’s mouth during an interview with a guy who appears to be an Israeli journalist:
“It’s the most serious issue facing our planet today. More so than the movie ‘Battleship,’ which I’m very excited to have directed, I love Rihanna, she’s a great actress, did a great job in the film, and my dad’s a Navy historian…”
This little snippet of the interview actually gets worse from there, because Berg learns that his interviewer did not serve in the Israeli Defense Forces and calls him a “draft-dodger.” Berg also asks the guy’s name (and comments that the guy’s name doesn’t sound Jewish), pauses to note that they both have Jewish fathers and again presses the interviewer on why he did not join the Israeli army:
It should be noted here that Israeli military service is mandatory, but there are all sorts of reasons why people can avoid that service, and we actually don’t know the reason behind this guy’s lack of service. It should also be noted that Peter Berg, who has never served in any military organization that I am aware of, could simply be curious about this interviewer’s status because he knows military service is required but perhaps he doesn’t know that some people don’t serve for various reasons. I don’t know! I also don’t know what the interview was like before this snippet — maybe the interviewer asked a question involving Rihanna and Iran? All I know is that this is an interview about “Battleship,” a movie based on the board game Battleship, and also a movie that involves aliens attacking battleships, and so this is obviously where any interview about the movie “Battleship” must go.
The spectacular failure of “John Carter,” Disney’s $250 million dollar gamble that people want to watch a derivative-seeming sci-fi movie pitting Taylor Kitsch against aliens, had to worry the people behind “Battleship,” Universal and Hasbro’s $200-plus million gamble that people want to watch a derivative-seeming sci-fi movie pitting Taylor Kitsch against aliens.
But then they remembered that they are bankrolling “Battleship,” a loud, blustering summer popcorn movie that took the game Battleship and deliriously turned it into a film about aliens attacking ships out on the open sea. It’s hard to be apprehensive about a movie that looks this proudly bombastic and dumb, if only because deciding to add aliens to a Battleship movie shows that the filmmakers and producers knew just how seriously to take their subject material.
I mean, look at this thing! This new trailer doesn’t even bother with any semblance of character explanation like the earlier ads. It’s just battleships, aliens, Liam Neeson growling, Riggins doing something or other, Landry from “Friday Night Lights” also doing something or other, Rihanna saying “Boom” (I will repeat: Rihanna’s one line in this trailer is “Boom”), explosions, more explosions and all sorts of special effects they probably just finished. Considering how many movie trailers wildly misrepresent the actual movie they are promoting, you have to respect a trailer that is this up front.
Universal has released the first trailer for “Battleship,” which is, yes, an adaptation of the board game.
I know, I know! That’s not a terrific premise. And some people won’t be won over by the notion that it’s not just about battleships, but it’s about naval ships fighting aliens in the water, or something. Me, I dig it. I think that if you’re going to blow $200 million dollars in search of a new franchise (as Universal is rumored to have done), why not go crazy? Plus, this thing stars Taylor Kitsch, and Hollywood clearly thinks he’s going to be a big star, which means he could be huge a year from now or he’ll be that guy who made “John Carter” and “Battleship” and quickly became synonymous with iffy movies involving aliens. We’ll see. He’s Riggins, so I believe stardom is his future, but the world is an uncertain and surprising place.
And it’s directed by Peter Berg. He worked with Kitsch on “Friday Night Lights,” but he also made the kinda-bad “Hancock” (although that movie wasn’t bad until the second half, for what it’s worth). Plus, Liam Neeson, Brooklyn Decker, Jesse Plemmons (LANDRY), Alexander Skaaarsgaaaard and Rihanna are in this. And Tom Arnold! This thing is definitely going to be one of the five or 10 best movies ever made based on a nautical board game. The trailer isn’t amazing, but I’m still looking forward to it, if only because I cannot get over the fact that they made a movie based on the board game Battleship and put aliens in there.
The world is that much closer to an “Ouija” movie. Cat lady website Deadline reports that it will come to us courtesy of McG, the thoughtful auteur behind “Charlie’s Angels” and “Terminator: Salvation” and, apparently, the pilot episode of “Chuck.” But don’t you fret! It’s being produced by Michael Bay and the other crafty geniuses behind the cash grab remakes of “Friday the 13th” and “Nightmare on Elm Street.”
Due to the delay of Taylor Lautner’s turn as “Stretch Armstrong” (so many words in this sentence already make no sense), this “Ouija” movie would be the first board game movie hitting theaters after “Battleship.” While Peter Berg’s bug-nuts-crazy aliens-and-sailors movie is arriving in May 2012, “Ouija” would hit theaters in November of that year. In what I’m sure is completely unrelated news, dead birdscontinue to fallfrom the sky.