Apparently Damon Lindelof was not content with the “Lost” finale being the worst thing he wrote this year, so he crapped out this absolutely abominable review of the new “Harry Potter” for The Daily Newsbeast or whatever it’ll be called.
Seriously, you need to read the whole thing, if only to appreciate the sheer grandeur of Lindelof’s hubris. Apparently working with folks like J.J. Abrams, Steven Spielberg and Ridley Scott has given him some sort of delusions about his past successes. The guy who cashed checks for writing episodes of “Crossing Jordan” and “Nash Bridges” (and, yes, co-ran “Lost”), not to mention the show’s abysmal time waster of a final season, not to mention the particular egregiousness of the finale, which was apparently produced with the logic that it’s much more expensive to actually fly to each fan’s house and punch them in the brain rather than just trying to send that message out via the television, had the absolutely astonishing cojones to write this. Go, read (if you’ve seen the movie, obviously); I’ll wait right here.
I know, right? I particularly enjoyed his complaints that not a lot happened in the movie (I KNOW, hold that thought), he wrote this:
All of that should have happened in the first half-hour of the movie.
They should not have split the book into two halves. Order of the Phoenix had more pages and they did just fine with that one.
I felt dirty. I felt… taken advantage of. I know, I know, people in glass houses—but, still!
No. No “but, still!”. “But, still!” is not an argument you get to make if you are a highly-compensated writer. “But, still” does not accurately and adequately respond to the criticism he hints at but does not address: That somebody who created a show where nothing happened for long stretches, and things finally took place spaced out over multiple weeks and months and years that could have easily been condensed, and it seems like they took story-plotting lessons from somebody who had recently suffered a head injury and kept forgetting what they were talking about, does not have a single leg to stand on to complain about feeling taken advantage of when another filmmaker/storyteller/writer/producer/etc. does not tell their story in a crisp and prompt way. “But, still” is for a child who knows they are wrong and wants to get away with it anyway, which is probably the most accurate read of the damn thing (i.e. the closest we will ever get to Lindelof, or anyone associated with the show, finally admitting that when your entire show is oriented around big questions overarching plots, and when said show crashes and burns at the close instead of properly resolving them, your show was pretty much a failure, or at least an ambitious misfire, or at the very least the ending was not particularly good or worthy of what came before).
And there’s this. He finally “gets” how “Lost” fans could watch the show but complain about certain things.
And so I sincerely and genuinely apologize to all those whom I have stripped of their “Lost” fandom just for complaining about the stuff you didn’t like. It doesn’t make you any less a fan.
Hang on a good goddamned second here. Am I the only one who didn’t know that? I watched “Lost” from premiere to finale and complained about it almost every step of the way, and I had no idea that Lindelof stripped me of my fandom for my complaints. Did you know producers of television shows could do that? I didn’t either! But apparently he can, because the only other reasonable explanation for this statement is that he is an egomaniac with no actual concept of how the world works outside of his bubble of friends and associates and critical praise, and that’s just crazy talk, because none of his media tours or relentless self-promotion ever gave that indication at all.
But yes! Apparently if you complained about “Lost,” you stopped being a fan, which actually makes no goddamn sense when you think about it, because every single “Lost” fan ever had complained about the show at one point or another. Every fan. Ever. I have not met every “Lost” fan ever, nor will I ever meet every “Lost” fan ever, but I can guarantee you every single one of them had at least one complaint about the show over the course of its run, because for all of its positives and enjoyable episodes it was in many ways an aggravating and dispiriting serialized show to watch, not only but largely because you watched it with the assumption that It Was Going Somewhere and the hope, however dim, that They Knew What They Were Doing, and this resulted in prolonged stretches of wheel-spinning, catastrophically unrealistic dialogue, maddeningly lame “references” and an inability to properly gauge whether or not the show was any good because the show was, from start to finish, about the plot (despite their repeated protestations to the contrary), and it was impossible to truly know if you were enjoying the show because of this inherent uncertainty, to say nothing of all of the times the show wasted minutes and hours and weeks of our lives with callous indifference. And that, of course, says nothing about the six-year self-mythologizing media tour embarked upon by Mssrs. Cuse and Lindelof, wherein they reminded you, in no uncertain terms, that they had a plan, that they cared about pleasing the fans, that they would do anything to keep your attention and they generally acted like giant wads that were accepted by the fans because they (the fans) assumed they (the creators) knew what the holy hell they were doing and the show couldn’t possibly be a six year waste of time. (Spoiler alert: It was. It totally, truly was.) So my apologies to all those people who wanted to watch “Lost” over the past six years but were disheartened to learn that you couldn’t find episodes on TV or online because Damon Lindelof, the auteur behind “Nash Goddamn Bridges,” had revoked your fandom.
Anyway, the entire thing is actually not a review. It’s really a personal essay about how Damon Lindelof is super-awesome because he co-created “Lost,” and how he is just like J.K. Rowling (but call her Jo!) in that they created things people love, and how he found the movie disappointing but that made him realize he could get over being such a big baby about “Lost” fans complaining about his show’s crap attempts at anything resembling satisfactory resolution. He includes maybe two paragraphs of an actual review. The real point is that he, Damon Lindelof, finally understands what it’s like to be one of You People.
The worst part is that we will never experience the joy of seeing Lindelof fail on his own, because he will sign up for projects where he will be insulated by stronger filmmakers who can make changes (the “Alien” prequel) or surrounded by talent that will also make tweaks (“Cowboys and Aliens,” “Star Trek”), keeping us from watching as he understands what it’s like to put yourself out there and disappoint people and then find out hey, maybe it’s not the fault of the fans for not “getting” your genius.
Wait, scratch that. The worst part is that Damon Lindelof, who wrote the “Lost” finale and crapped out this truly magnificent piece of condescension, is a millionaire, and he gets to Tweet smug references to his own work without any sense of self-awareness. But it’s okay! Because he will always get to hang his hat on “Crossing Jordan.”