The people behind Americans For Fairness In Awarding Journalism Prizes are just saying what everybody else was thinking: The Onion deserves a Pulitzer, or possibly 10 of them, right away. I mean, you can’t disagree with Tom Hanks.
This Onion video about “Green Lantern” is amazing and sums up everything you need to know about the movie: He’s a guy named Greg Lantern who has lantern-based powers and a magic ring. I shall only refer to the movie as “Greg Lantern” from now on.
NEW YORK—In a move that media executives, economic forecasters, and business analysts alike are calling “extremely bold,” NYTimes.com put into place a groundbreaking new business model today in which the news website will charge people money to consume the goods and services it provides. ”The whole idea of an American business trying to make a profit off of a product its hired professionals create on a daily basis is a truly brave and intrepid strategy,” said media analyst Steve Messner, adding that NYTimes.com’s extremely risky new approach to commerce—wherein legal tender must be exchanged in order to receive a desired service—could drastically reduce the publication’s readership.
— The Onion really outdoes itself.
You know those tremendous Onion bits about Vice President Joe Biden, which inspired a bizarre New York Times story? The vice president spoke with the Ticket at Yahoo!, and he commented on the thing. He thinks it’s “hilarious,” he says!
“I saw the one of me washing a Trans-Am automobile in the driveway shirtless with tattoos all over myself and out there,” Biden said with a smile. He took some issue with the story, though. “By the way, I have a Corvette– a ’67 Corvette– not a Trans-Am.”
Gold. Just gold.
SPILLVILLE, IA—Following the widespread acclaim and media adulation over his latest album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, multimillion-selling recording artist Kanye West announced Wednesday that he had finally received the exact amount of approval he needed to attain and had therefore retired from the entertainment industry to live on a small farm in Iowa.
I can’t praise this enough. The Onion really deserves an award or something. Check out that Photoshopping! I bet he makes the best snickerdoodles.
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Education released a comprehensive, nationwide evaluation of American schools Monday indicating that attempts to teach absolutely anything to these little shits is just a huge waste of everybody’s time. …
“We’ve basically flushed $11,000 down the toilet for every single one of these little bastards,” [Education Secretary Arne] Duncan continued. “Not to mention 18 years of my life.”
The study, which analyzed the effectiveness of both public and private schools, found that efforts to enlighten these terrors on the subjects of math, history, grammar, and science are as productive as slamming your head into a goddamn brick wall.
EMPORIA, KS—WWII fighter pilot Herman Porter, 87, has been appealing to the federal government since 1948 for the right to kill one last German without legal repercussions. On Monday, the decorated soldier was granted his wish by the Senate Subcommittee on Defense Relations.
— For the full story, head here.
The Onion runs very funny stories about the vice president. For some reason, the Times felt obliged to comment upon this fact. It is…weird. Why is there a story in the Times about stories in the Onion? Was there space to fill? Are they obligated to mention Vice President Biden every so often, and they thought this filled that quota? Very strange. Still, any chance to link to this story is appreciated.
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Citing a general feeling of boredom, as well as a lack of anything better to do, members of the celebrity news media announced this week that they have decided to put all other stories on hold and use every resource at their disposal to go after veteran film and television actor Ray Liotta.